Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
