Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
