she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
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