guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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