Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
