consequently i now know what mace tastes like
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
