That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
