He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
