i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
