I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
