cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
