The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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