Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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