I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
