Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize