I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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