I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
