Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Randomize
