Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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