when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Randomize
