i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Randomize
