You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
