I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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