why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
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