Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
