No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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