We need to start having sex underwater more often.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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