we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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