God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
