Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
