the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
i need some magic done to my vagina
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
