I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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