Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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