you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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