My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Randomize
