Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Randomize
