I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
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