friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Oh god it's open bar.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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