i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Randomize
