I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Randomize
