If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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