You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
i can't believe i had my finger in that
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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