my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
