why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Randomize
