I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
