hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
