Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
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