I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
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