and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
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