He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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