you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
