I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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