Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Randomize