I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
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