Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
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