Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
Did I show you my penis last night?
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
