It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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