I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Randomize
