My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
